Jokes n other stuff belong here....... Add on to the jokes below and provide the answer... Remember to write down your name next to the joke you have provided. Oh and latest entries goes first. Thanks! :)
A man was very careless. He banged his car into a lamp post, banged into a lady and so on. When he died, he rose to heaven. However, due to his carelessness, he banged into an airplane. CJk
Judge:"Did you steal the car?"
Suspect and lawyer whispering.
Suspect: " Ask no question, I will tell no lies!" CJk
A billionaire set a challenge, if a man can swim across a crocodile pool which measure a km apart without dying, he could marry his daughter or get 1 million dollars. A man dropped into the pool and swam across to safety. The billionaire then as him what he wanted, his daughter or 1 million dollars.
The man said crossly:" I want the man who pushed me in!"-Cjk
A teacher was trying to teach the class addition.
Teacher:" Class, if I have 5 Coconuts in one hand and 7 in the other, what would I have?"
Bobby:"Big hands."-Cjk
One woman was holding a baby as she walked into the bus. The bus driver commented that the baby was ugly. One passenger, who did not see what happened but heard it said to the women:" Here, you go complain the bus driver while I hold this monkey for you!"- CJK
A man was in the emergency room with a burnt genital and one broken pelvis. The doctor asked for the reason he got injured. His wife told the doctor that she killed a cockroach by stamping on it, and then threw it in the toilet bowl and sprayed the bug spray.Then, the innocent husband when to the toilet, smoking a cigarette, to urinate. he accidentally dropped the burning cigar and it burnt with the chemical in the bug spray and scorched his genital very badly. When the paramedics carried him on the stretcher and heard the story, they laughed and they dropped the man. That was how he got a broken pelvis.- CJk
There was this couple, and one day, the husband asked the wife why she married him. The wife teased and said:"I was stupid." The man looked very happy and the wife demanded an explanation. The husband said:" Well, people divorce because they fall out of love. But I have never heard such thing as falling out of stupid!" CJk
A man was going back home from a party when he crossed a graveyard. He found that he was standing on Beethoven's grave. Suddenly, he heard one of Beethoven's music played. Strangely, it was played backwards. The man was scared and decided to ask all his friend to go there. So, the next day, 10 of them crowded around there. The music was still playing and it was still being played backwards. Then, the caretaker came and asked about the problem. One of them told him what happened
"Don't you get it? He is de-composing!" The caretaker answered ---- Cjk
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it’s paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave." -Cheri
Q: Who says sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?
A: A guy who has never been hit with a dictionary. -Cheri
In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, “Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.”
Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it. “Well, said Mr. Johnson, I was looking over your test and the question was, ‘Who was our first president?’, and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put ‘George Washington,’ and so did you.”
“So, everyone knows that he was the first president.”
“Well, just wait a minute,” said Mr. Johnson. “The next question was, ‘Who freed the slaves?’ Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you.”
“Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that,” said Johnny.
“Wait, wait,” said Mr. Johnson. The next question was, ‘Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?’ Mary put ‘I don't know,’ and you put, ‘Me neither’.” - Callie
Four expectant fathers pace in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor. The nurse enters and tells the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence," the man says. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."
"That's really an incredible coincidence," he answers. "I work for the 3M Corporation."
An hour later, the nurse tells the third man that his wife has just given birth to quadruplets.
The man says, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons. What a coincidence!"
After hearing this, everyone's attention turns to the fourth guy, who has just fainted. He slowly regains consciousness and whispers, "I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers." -Callie
Q: What did the blueberry say to the blueberry?
A: You're a blueberry. - Callie
One fine afternoon, a smiling boy arrived home from a dental visit. He called out, “Hey mom, I have no cavities today.”
His mom stared at him wide-eyed and quite surprised. But she smiled and then frowned knowing the expected. “Let me guess,” she said, “You have not a tooth left.” -Callie
Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother.
"Well," said the first one, "I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills."
"I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her."
"I've got you both beat," said the third. "I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to."
A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons. "Gerald -- the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house. Milton -- the car is useless because I don't go anywhere because I'm too old. But Robert -- you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious." -Callie
Try this!!!
8888 = 8 -6402 = 2 9202 = 2
9999 = 4 2049 = 2 -7777 = 0
8357 = 2 0488 = 5 8382 = 4
0395 = 2 0184 = 3 -4682 = 3
0000 = 4 1345 = 0 8420 = ? - 1_Galen_programmer May 15, 2013
Put your answers here and sign off with your username:
A woman was telling a person how dishevelled the boy walking towards them was.
"How dare the boy dress like that!" the woman complained.
"The child is my daughter - she's a girl!" the person said.
"Oh, sorry... I did not know you were her father!" the woman apologised.
"No. I'm her mother," the person replied. - Zheng Wei
The following question was answered correctly by 95% of kindergarten students but only 45% of university students.
Question -
What is greater than all gods,
and so powerful that beggars have it, and the rich need it,
and it can lift up the sky,
killing all humans at once,
and can release toxic poison?
The grand answer is.............................. Nothing. - Zheng Wei
A father was teaching his son Ali how to give and take. The next day, Ali returned from school beaming with pride.
"Papa, today I gave and took for the first time in my life!" Ali yelled excitedly.
"Oh really?" Ali's father smiled.
"Yeah, no kidding! I gave my best friend Joseph a punch in the face and I took all of his stationary!" - Zheng Wei
Mother: "Charlie, I have been told that you went to the beach instead of school today. Is that true?" Charlie: "Not at all! Here is the game token I earned in the arcade earlier today to prove it!"
The careless driver Libiya Zoo Walrus had got involved in an accident and was sent to the hospital.
NURSE: Have an accident, sir?
Zheng Wei: No thanks, I just had one... - Zheng Wei
One day, the evil Farmer Jones brought all of his six cows and several calves to the edge of a volcano.
On Day 1, Farmer Jones dumped one cow.
On Day 2, Farmer Jones dumped two cows.
On Day 3, Farmer Jones dumped three cows.
On Day 4, how many cows did Farmer Jones dump?
Anwser: None; all the cows had been dumped - now for the calves
On Day 4, how many calves were dumped?
Anwse: None, all the calves were unborn and still in their mother's stomach. - Zheng Wei
A blonde kept staring at the orange juice carton. Why?
Answer: In the ingredients section it said 'juice concentrate__'!~~Liam
An old man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"
The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand 15 feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you."
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands 15 feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" No response. He moves to 10 feet behind her and asks again -- no response. Five feet, no answer.
Finally, he stands directly behind her and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"
She says, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!" - Callie
There was an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman working on the top of a cliff. The Englishman said, "If I have cheese in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off this cliff."
The Scotsman said, "If I have jam in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."
The Irishman said, "If I have ham tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."
The next day, the Englishman had cheese, the Irishman had ham, and the Scotsman had jam. So they all jumped.
At the funerals, the wives of the Scotsman and Englishman said, "Why didn't they just tell us they didn't like their sandwiches?"
The Irish lady said, "I don't know why my husband jumped off the cliff. He made his own sandwiches." - Callie
A blonde goes to the doctor with both of her ears and her right hand are burned. "Sit down and tell me how it happened," says the doctor.
"I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear."
"What about the other ear and your hand?"
"I tried to call for an ambulance." - Callie
A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses. The first day of class, she starts by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up. The teacher asks, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself." - Callie
Dick Cheney, President Bush and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One.
Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy.
Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy.
Donald Rumsfeld says, "Of course, I could throw a hundred $1 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
The pilot looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy." - Callie
Joe asked God, "How much is a penny worth in Heaven?"
God replied, "$1 million."
Joe asked, "How long is a minute in Heaven?"
God said, "1 million years."
Joe asked for a penny.
God said, "Sure, in a minute." - Callie
A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers.
Salesman: "Can I see your dad?"
Johnny: "No, he's in the shower."
Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?"
Johnny: "Nope. She's in the shower, too."
Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?"
Johnny: "Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead." -Callie
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"
Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!" - Callie
Can somebody try that trick on me? (The coin one) - Galen
Dream on- Callie
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'" - Callie
The teacher was checking her student roster on the first day of school and saw that she was missing three boys and one girl.
After a couple of minutes went by, a boy named John walked in and the teacher asked where he was. He said, "Shree Hill."
Then another student, named Bill, walked in and the teacher asked where he was. He also said, "Shree Hill."
Then the third boy, Shawn, walked in and the teacher asked him where he had been. And he said, "On top of Shree Hill."
Then, a girl walked in and the teacher asked, "Who are you?" And she said, "Shree Hill." - Callie
WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS JOKE?
Little Johnny's teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail.
Little Johnny says, "De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail." - Callie
A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"
His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."
"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"
"Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."
The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations." - Callie
Teacher: "Little Johnny, give me a sentence using the word, 'geometry.'"
Little Johnny: "A little acorn grew and grew until it finally awoke one day and said, 'Gee, I'm a tree.' - Callie
On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed someone had written the word "Stupid teacher" in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn't find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class.
Tuesday, she was again greeted with "Stupid teacher" on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning for the rest of the week, "Stupid teacher" was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she'd had enough.
"That's enough," she sputtered. "I -- I can't believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!"
On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: "Don't you know -- the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?" - Callie
Hmmm...shld I try this??? - Galen
A blonde walked into her final exam very nervous. But when she received the test, she was relieved to find out that it was a True or False exam. Immediately, she reached into her purse and pulled out a coin. Each time she flipped the coin she would write down an answer. "What are you doing?" the professor asked her. "I'm figuring out the answers," the blonde replied.
To this, the professor just rolled his eyes and looked away. When she was done, the professor announced that there were five minutes left to go. "Oh my god!" she said in an excited voice, and started to flip the coin as fast as possible. - Callie
A magician claimed that he could survive being underwater for two minutes. A boy shouted, " I can survive underwater for 5 minutes!" The magician said that if he could do that, he would give him a huge sum of money. In the end, the boy managed to do what he claimed and got the money. How did he do it?
Answer: He held a water bottle above his head, therefore under-water. - Juntong
I turn polar bears white and I will make you cry. I make guys have to pee and girls comb their hair. I make celebrities look stupid and normal people look like celebrities. I turn pancakes brown and make your champane bubble. If you sqeeze me, I'll pop. If you look at me, you'll pop. Can you guess the riddle? 97% of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out, but 84% of kindergarten students were able to figure this out in 6 minutes or less.
Answer: The clue is the last question........ So the answer is NO. That's how kindergarten students were able to figure it out. - Juntong
Suppose there is only one barber shop in your town, and it employs two barbers.
One of the barbers has a nice, neatly trimmed head of hair. The other's hair is
a complete mess. Which of the two barbers should you go to and why?
Answer: The barber with the hair in a complete mess. Since there is only one barber shop
in town so it is okay if you assume that both barbers cut each other's hair. -callie
A farmer in California owns a beautiful pear tree. He supplies fruit to a nearby
grocery store. The store owner has called the farmer to see how much fruit is
available for him to purchase. The farmer know that the main trunk has 24
branches. Each branch has 12 boughs and each bough has 6 twigs. Since each twig
bears one piece of fruit, how many plums will the farmer be able to sell?
Answer: Zero. At least not from this tree. This tree only produce pears. -callie
A magician is standing on a concrete floor holding a raw egg with his hand
outstretched. Without the aid of any objects, he is able to drop the egg two
feet without breaking it's shell. How does he do it?
Answer: He holds the egg a little higher than two feet so when the egg drops it will
remain intact for the first two feet. -callie
You are a bus driver. At the first stop, 4 people get on. At the second stop, 8
people get on. At the third stop, 2 people get off, and at the last stop,
everyone gets off. The question is: What color are the bus drivers
eyes?
Answer: As mentioned before, you are the bus driver. So the color of the bus driver's
eyes is the color of your eyes. -callie
A man was very careless. He banged his car into a lamp post, banged into a lady and so on. When he died, he rose to heaven. However, due to his carelessness, he banged into an airplane. CJk
Judge:"Did you steal the car?"
Suspect and lawyer whispering.
Suspect: " Ask no question, I will tell no lies!" CJk
A billionaire set a challenge, if a man can swim across a crocodile pool which measure a km apart without dying, he could marry his daughter or get 1 million dollars. A man dropped into the pool and swam across to safety. The billionaire then as him what he wanted, his daughter or 1 million dollars.
The man said crossly:" I want the man who pushed me in!"-Cjk
A teacher was trying to teach the class addition.
Teacher:" Class, if I have 5 Coconuts in one hand and 7 in the other, what would I have?"
Bobby:"Big hands."-Cjk
One woman was holding a baby as she walked into the bus. The bus driver commented that the baby was ugly. One passenger, who did not see what happened but heard it said to the women:" Here, you go complain the bus driver while I hold this monkey for you!"- CJK
A man was in the emergency room with a burnt genital and one broken pelvis. The doctor asked for the reason he got injured. His wife told the doctor that she killed a cockroach by stamping on it, and then threw it in the toilet bowl and sprayed the bug spray.Then, the innocent husband when to the toilet, smoking a cigarette, to urinate. he accidentally dropped the burning cigar and it burnt with the chemical in the bug spray and scorched his genital very badly. When the paramedics carried him on the stretcher and heard the story, they laughed and they dropped the man. That was how he got a broken pelvis.- CJk
There was this couple, and one day, the husband asked the wife why she married him. The wife teased and said:"I was stupid." The man looked very happy and the wife demanded an explanation. The husband said:" Well, people divorce because they fall out of love. But I have never heard such thing as falling out of stupid!" CJk
A man was going back home from a party when he crossed a graveyard. He found that he was standing on Beethoven's grave. Suddenly, he heard one of Beethoven's music played. Strangely, it was played backwards. The man was scared and decided to ask all his friend to go there. So, the next day, 10 of them crowded around there. The music was still playing and it was still being played backwards. Then, the caretaker came and asked about the problem. One of them told him what happened
"Don't you get it? He is de-composing!" The caretaker answered ---- Cjk
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.
Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it’s paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!!
He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave." -Cheri
Q: Who says sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?
A: A guy who has never been hit with a dictionary. -Cheri
In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, “Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.”
Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it. “Well, said Mr. Johnson, I was looking over your test and the question was, ‘Who was our first president?’, and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put ‘George Washington,’ and so did you.”
“So, everyone knows that he was the first president.”
“Well, just wait a minute,” said Mr. Johnson. “The next question was, ‘Who freed the slaves?’ Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you.”
“Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that,” said Johnny.
“Wait, wait,” said Mr. Johnson. The next question was, ‘Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?’ Mary put ‘I don't know,’ and you put, ‘Me neither’.” - Callie
Four expectant fathers pace in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor. The nurse enters and tells the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence," the man says. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."
"That's really an incredible coincidence," he answers. "I work for the 3M Corporation."
An hour later, the nurse tells the third man that his wife has just given birth to quadruplets.
The man says, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons. What a coincidence!"
After hearing this, everyone's attention turns to the fourth guy, who has just fainted. He slowly regains consciousness and whispers, "I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers." -Callie
Q: What did the blueberry say to the blueberry?
A: You're a blueberry. - Callie
One fine afternoon, a smiling boy arrived home from a dental visit. He called out, “Hey mom, I have no cavities today.”
His mom stared at him wide-eyed and quite surprised. But she smiled and then frowned knowing the expected. “Let me guess,” she said, “You have not a tooth left.” -Callie
Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother.
"Well," said the first one, "I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills."
"I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her."
"I've got you both beat," said the third. "I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to."
A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons. "Gerald -- the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house. Milton -- the car is useless because I don't go anywhere because I'm too old. But Robert -- you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious." -Callie
Try this!!!
8888 = 8 -6402 = 2 9202 = 2
9999 = 4 2049 = 2 -7777 = 0
8357 = 2 0488 = 5 8382 = 4
0395 = 2 0184 = 3 -4682 = 3
0000 = 4 1345 = 0 8420 = ? -
Put your answers here and sign off with your username:
A woman was telling a person how dishevelled the boy walking towards them was.
"How dare the boy dress like that!" the woman complained.
"The child is my daughter - she's a girl!" the person said.
"Oh, sorry... I did not know you were her father!" the woman apologised.
"No. I'm her mother," the person replied. - Zheng Wei
The following question was answered correctly by 95% of kindergarten students but only 45% of university students.
Question -
What is greater than all gods,
and so powerful that beggars have it, and the rich need it,
and it can lift up the sky,
killing all humans at once,
and can release toxic poison?
The grand answer is.............................. Nothing. - Zheng Wei
A father was teaching his son Ali how to give and take. The next day, Ali returned from school beaming with pride.
"Papa, today I gave and took for the first time in my life!" Ali yelled excitedly.
"Oh really?" Ali's father smiled.
"Yeah, no kidding! I gave my best friend Joseph a punch in the face and I took all of his stationary!" - Zheng Wei
Mother: "Charlie, I have been told that you went to the beach instead of school today. Is that true?"
Charlie: "Not at all! Here is the game token I earned in the arcade earlier today to prove it!"
The careless driver Libiya Zoo Walrus had got involved in an accident and was sent to the hospital.
NURSE: Have an accident, sir?
Zheng Wei: No thanks, I just had one... - Zheng Wei
One day, the evil Farmer Jones brought all of his six cows and several calves to the edge of a volcano.
On Day 1, Farmer Jones dumped one cow.
On Day 2, Farmer Jones dumped two cows.
On Day 3, Farmer Jones dumped three cows.
On Day 4, how many cows did Farmer Jones dump?
Anwser: None; all the cows had been dumped - now for the calves
On Day 4, how many calves were dumped?
Anwse: None, all the calves were unborn and still in their mother's stomach. - Zheng Wei
A blonde kept staring at the orange juice carton. Why?
Answer: In the ingredients section it said 'juice concentrate__'!~~Liam
An old man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"
The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand 15 feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you."
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands 15 feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" No response. He moves to 10 feet behind her and asks again -- no response. Five feet, no answer.
Finally, he stands directly behind her and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"
She says, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!" - Callie
There was an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman working on the top of a cliff. The Englishman said, "If I have cheese in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off this cliff."
The Scotsman said, "If I have jam in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."
The Irishman said, "If I have ham tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."
The next day, the Englishman had cheese, the Irishman had ham, and the Scotsman had jam. So they all jumped.
At the funerals, the wives of the Scotsman and Englishman said, "Why didn't they just tell us they didn't like their sandwiches?"
The Irish lady said, "I don't know why my husband jumped off the cliff. He made his own sandwiches." - Callie
A blonde goes to the doctor with both of her ears and her right hand are burned. "Sit down and tell me how it happened," says the doctor.
"I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear."
"What about the other ear and your hand?"
"I tried to call for an ambulance." - Callie
A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses. The first day of class, she starts by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up. The teacher asks, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself." - Callie
Dick Cheney, President Bush and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One.
Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy.
Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy.
Donald Rumsfeld says, "Of course, I could throw a hundred $1 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
The pilot looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy." - Callie
Joe asked God, "How much is a penny worth in Heaven?"
God replied, "$1 million."
Joe asked, "How long is a minute in Heaven?"
God said, "1 million years."
Joe asked for a penny.
God said, "Sure, in a minute." - Callie
A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers.
Salesman: "Can I see your dad?"
Johnny: "No, he's in the shower."
Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?"
Johnny: "Nope. She's in the shower, too."
Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?"
Johnny: "Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead." -Callie
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"
Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!" - Callie
Can somebody try that trick on me? (The coin one) - Galen
Dream on- Callie
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'" - Callie
The teacher was checking her student roster on the first day of school and saw that she was missing three boys and one girl.
After a couple of minutes went by, a boy named John walked in and the teacher asked where he was. He said, "Shree Hill."
Then another student, named Bill, walked in and the teacher asked where he was. He also said, "Shree Hill."
Then the third boy, Shawn, walked in and the teacher asked him where he had been. And he said, "On top of Shree Hill."
Then, a girl walked in and the teacher asked, "Who are you?" And she said, "Shree Hill." - Callie
WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS JOKE?
Little Johnny's teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail.
Little Johnny says, "De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail." - Callie
A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"
His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."
"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"
"Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."
The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations." - Callie
Teacher: "Little Johnny, give me a sentence using the word, 'geometry.'"
Little Johnny: "A little acorn grew and grew until it finally awoke one day and said, 'Gee, I'm a tree.' - Callie
On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed someone had written the word "Stupid teacher" in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn't find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class.
Tuesday, she was again greeted with "Stupid teacher" on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning for the rest of the week, "Stupid teacher" was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she'd had enough.
"That's enough," she sputtered. "I -- I can't believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!"
On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: "Don't you know -- the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?" - Callie
Hmmm...shld I try this??? - Galen
A blonde walked into her final exam very nervous. But when she received the test, she was relieved to find out that it was a True or False exam. Immediately, she reached into her purse and pulled out a coin. Each time she flipped the coin she would write down an answer. "What are you doing?" the professor asked her. "I'm figuring out the answers," the blonde replied.
To this, the professor just rolled his eyes and looked away. When she was done, the professor announced that there were five minutes left to go. "Oh my god!" she said in an excited voice, and started to flip the coin as fast as possible. - Callie
A magician claimed that he could survive being underwater for two minutes. A boy shouted, " I can survive underwater for 5 minutes!" The magician said that if he could do that, he would give him a huge sum of money. In the end, the boy managed to do what he claimed and got the money. How did he do it?
Answer: He held a water bottle above his head, therefore under-water. - Juntong
I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?
97% of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out, but 84% of kindergarten students were able to figure this out in 6 minutes or less.
Answer: The clue is the last question........ So the answer is NO. That's how kindergarten students were able to figure it out. - Juntong
Suppose there is only one barber shop in your town, and it employs two barbers.
One of the barbers has a nice, neatly trimmed head of hair. The other's hair is
a complete mess. Which of the two barbers should you go to and why?
Answer: The barber with the hair in a complete mess. Since there is only one barber shop
in town so it is okay if you assume that both barbers cut each other's hair. -callie
A farmer in California owns a beautiful pear tree. He supplies fruit to a nearby
grocery store. The store owner has called the farmer to see how much fruit is
available for him to purchase. The farmer know that the main trunk has 24
branches. Each branch has 12 boughs and each bough has 6 twigs. Since each twig
bears one piece of fruit, how many plums will the farmer be able to sell?
Answer: Zero. At least not from this tree. This tree only produce pears. -callie
A magician is standing on a concrete floor holding a raw egg with his hand
outstretched. Without the aid of any objects, he is able to drop the egg two
feet without breaking it's shell. How does he do it?
Answer: He holds the egg a little higher than two feet so when the egg drops it will
remain intact for the first two feet. -callie
You are a bus driver. At the first stop, 4 people get on. At the second stop, 8
people get on. At the third stop, 2 people get off, and at the last stop,
everyone gets off. The question is: What color are the bus drivers
eyes?
Answer: As mentioned before, you are the bus driver. So the color of the bus driver's
eyes is the color of your eyes. -callie